fuckingrecipes:

THERE IS NO END TO THE LEMON TRAIN

DO YOU WANT A MOUTHFUL OF BRAIN-PUNCHING CITRUS GOODNESS? 

WELL BUCKLE UP BUTTERCUP, BECAUSE I’VE GOT A FUCKING RECIPE FOR YOU! THIS SHALL BE A DISCRETIONARY RECIPE, WHICH MEANS YOU’LL HAVE TO FEEL OUT THE AMOUNTS AND DECIDE FOR YOURSELF EXACTLY HOW YOU WANT IT! 

FIRST, PLUNGE YOUR MIGHTY FIST INTO THE EARTH TO RETRIEVE AS MANY POTATOES AS YOUR HEART DESIRES. CLEAN THE SOIL FROM THEIR SKINS, AND CHOP THEM INTO WHATEVER SHAPE YOU WISH, SO LONG AS THEIR WIDEST PART IS NO BIGGER THAN A GOLF BALL. 

SEND YOUR MINIONS TO STOKE YOUR CAMPFIRE, OR BEGIN THE ANCIENT RITUAL OF PREHEATING AN OVEN TO 350 DEGREES F. (or 177 C)

LINE A BAKING PAN WITH ALUMINUM FOIL TO TRIUMPH OVER THE GOD OF MESSES, AND NIP THAT SHIT IN THE BUD. DUMP YOUR POTATOES INTO ITS BED OF METAL TO RATTLE THEIR SELF CONFIDENCE. 

DRIZZLE WITH A COOKING OIL OF YOUR CHOICE, SQUEEZED FROM THE BRIGHTEST FRUITS OF THIS WORLD. 

CALL OUT TO YOUR PATRON SPIRIT TO AID YOUR QUEST, AND SMASH ENOUGH LEMONS THAT THEIR TART BLOOD SPILLS ENOUGH TO COVER THE ENTIRETY OF THE POTATO PAN’S FOIL.

SPLASH UPON THEIR BODIES A FEW DASHES OF RED PEPPER, A SMALL DASH OF PAPRIKA, MINCED GARLIC, AND A BIT OF SALT. REMEMBER! THIS IS A RECIPE YOU SHALL BE SHAPING WITH YOUR OWN HANDS – FEEL THE INGREDIENTS! TASTE THEM! BECOME ONE WITH THEM! LET THIS HELP YOU LEARN HOW TO ESTIMATE BY APPEARANCE AND KNOWLEDGE. STIR THEM TOGETHER IN THE POTATOES WITH YOUR BARE HANDS – NO SPOON CAN RIVAL YOUR DEXTERITY.  

IF THE FLOOR OF THE PAN DOES NOT SEEM FULLY COVERED WITH OIL AND LEMON, ADD A BIT OF WATER UNTIL YOU ARE SATISFIED. OR MORE LEMON JUICE, FOR PLUS-ULTRA CITRUS POWER

BRANDISH YOUR FOIL ONCE AGAIN, AND ARMOR OVER THIS PLATTER OF POTATOES UNTIL YOU CREATE A TIGHT POCKET FOR THEM TO HIDE WITHIN. ROLL THE EDGES TOGETHER TO MAKE THAT LOVELY SEAL TO KEEP IN THE STEAM THEY SHALL CREATE IN THEIR NEW LEMONY SAUNA! 

FLING YOUR ARMORED PAN OF POTATOES INTO THE OVEN, OR ONTO YOUR CAMPFIRE, AND ALLOW THE FLAMES OF YOUR PASSION ROAST THEIR BODIES FOR ONE HALF OF AN HOUR. 

ONCE THE SUN HAS MOVED ACROSS THE SKY THOSE FEW DEGREES, PULL UP A BIT OF THE FOIL AND POKE A THICKER POTATO WITH YOUR EATING UTENSIL OF CHOICE. IF IT IS NOT SOFT AND EASILY PIERCED, TUCK DOWN ONCE MORE THEIR ARMORED BLANKET, AND LEAVE THEM IN TO ROAST ANOTHER 10 MINUTES. 

THIS CEREMONY OF FOODSTUFFS CAN ALSO BE APPLIED TO ASPARAGUS, THOUGH I’D RECOMMEND CHECKING AT 20 MINUTES FOR TENDERNESS.