This is the least relatable and most infuriating cooking video I’ve seen to date.
I love how out of nowhere he casually drops that one of the ingredients in the dish takes a fucking WEEK to prepare.
First, pop your tuna steaks, bowl, and meat grinder in your Samsung Smart Freezer for ten minutes.
That gives us enough time to blend these vegetables together and let it ferment for ten days.
When your ten minutes and ten days have simultaneously passed, we’re ready to grind and combine. But you know this. Everyone’s had tuna tartare before.
Now, you’re going to take your gold leaf and marinate that in about 3 gallons of Rose for at least 75 hours. This is a crucial part of tuna tartare, as you know. You can put your tartare back in the freezer, but for no more than ten minutes at a time. I like to get my butler, Chauncey, to stand watch of the tuna and make sure it goes for a walk in our greenhouse every 3 hours. Next, grab your toast. I like to get mine fresh from Morocco, so you’re gonna have to book a flight at least 7 weeks in advance from this dish.
I like to make my friends WATCH the fish go through the grinder. A party isn’t a party until my friends watch me grind fish meat
This still pisses me off a full 24 hours later and I’m glad others share my ire
This is one of the most infuriating things I’ve watched thanks I hate it
DO YOU WANT A MOUTHFUL OF BRAIN-PUNCHING CITRUS GOODNESS?
WELL BUCKLE UP BUTTERCUP, BECAUSE I’VE GOT A FUCKING RECIPE FOR YOU! THIS SHALL BE A DISCRETIONARY RECIPE, WHICH MEANS YOU’LL HAVE TO FEEL OUT THE AMOUNTS AND DECIDE FOR YOURSELF EXACTLY HOW YOU WANT IT!
FIRST, PLUNGE YOUR MIGHTY FIST INTO THE EARTH TO RETRIEVE AS MANY POTATOES AS YOUR HEART DESIRES. CLEAN THE SOIL FROM THEIR SKINS, AND CHOP THEM INTO WHATEVER SHAPE YOU WISH, SO LONG AS THEIR WIDEST PART IS NO BIGGER THAN A GOLF BALL.
SEND YOUR MINIONS TO STOKE YOUR CAMPFIRE, OR BEGIN THE ANCIENT RITUAL OF PREHEATING AN OVEN TO 350 DEGREES F. (or 177 C)
LINE A BAKING PAN WITH ALUMINUM FOIL TO TRIUMPH OVER THE GOD OF MESSES, AND NIP THAT SHIT IN THE BUD. DUMP YOUR POTATOES INTO ITS BED OF METAL TO RATTLE THEIR SELF CONFIDENCE.
DRIZZLE WITH A COOKING OIL OF YOUR CHOICE, SQUEEZED FROM THE BRIGHTEST FRUITS OF THIS WORLD.
CALL OUT TO YOUR PATRON SPIRIT TO AID YOUR QUEST, AND SMASH ENOUGH LEMONS THAT THEIR TART BLOOD SPILLS ENOUGH TO COVER THE ENTIRETY OF THE POTATO PAN’S FOIL.
SPLASH UPON THEIR BODIES A FEW DASHES OF RED PEPPER, A SMALL DASH OF PAPRIKA, MINCED GARLIC, AND A BIT OF SALT. REMEMBER! THIS IS A RECIPE YOU SHALL BE SHAPING WITH YOUR OWN HANDS – FEEL THE INGREDIENTS! TASTE THEM! BECOME ONE WITH THEM! LET THIS HELP YOU LEARN HOW TO ESTIMATE BY APPEARANCE AND KNOWLEDGE. STIR THEM TOGETHER IN THE POTATOES WITH YOUR BARE HANDS – NO SPOON CAN RIVAL YOUR DEXTERITY.
IF THE FLOOR OF THE PAN DOES NOT SEEM FULLY COVERED WITH OIL AND LEMON, ADD A BIT OF WATER UNTIL YOU ARE SATISFIED. OR MORE LEMON JUICE, FOR PLUS-ULTRA CITRUS POWER
BRANDISH YOUR FOIL ONCE AGAIN, AND ARMOR OVER THIS PLATTER OF POTATOES UNTIL YOU CREATE A TIGHT POCKET FOR THEM TO HIDE WITHIN. ROLL THE EDGES TOGETHER TO MAKE THAT LOVELY SEAL TO KEEP IN THE STEAM THEY SHALL CREATE IN THEIR NEW LEMONY SAUNA!
FLING YOUR ARMORED PAN OF POTATOES INTO THE OVEN, OR ONTO YOUR CAMPFIRE, AND ALLOW THE FLAMES OF YOUR PASSION ROAST THEIR BODIES FOR ONE HALF OF AN HOUR.
ONCE THE SUN HAS MOVED ACROSS THE SKY THOSE FEW DEGREES, PULL UP A BIT OF THE FOIL AND POKE A THICKER POTATO WITH YOUR EATING UTENSIL OF CHOICE. IF IT IS NOT SOFT AND EASILY PIERCED, TUCK DOWN ONCE MORE THEIR ARMORED BLANKET, AND LEAVE THEM IN TO ROAST ANOTHER 10 MINUTES.
THIS CEREMONY OF FOODSTUFFS CAN ALSO BE APPLIED TO ASPARAGUS, THOUGH I’D RECOMMEND CHECKING AT 20 MINUTES FOR TENDERNESS.
INGREDIENTS
Lavender Cake:
¾ cup milk
3 tablespoons finely chopped fresh lavender
6 tablespoons butter, softened
1 cup white sugar
2 eggs
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 ½ teaspoons baking powder
¼ teaspoon salt
Lavender Glaze:
½ cup milk
1 tablespoon dried lavender buds
1 cup confectioner’s sugar
PREPARATION
Cake: Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C). Grease and flour a 9×5 inch loaf pan. Combine the milk and lavender in a small saucepan over medium heat. Heat to a simmer, then remove from heat, and allow to cool slightly. In a medium bowl, cream together the butter and sugar until smooth. Beat in the egg until the mixture is light and fluffy. Combine the flour, baking powder, and salt; stir into the creamed mixture alternately with the milk and lavender until just blended. Pour into the prepared pan. Bake for 50 minutes in the preheated oven, or until a wooden pick inserted into the crown of the loaf comes out clean. Cool in the pan on a wire rack.
Lavender Glaze: Place the milk in a saucepan over medium heat. When it starts to boil, take the pan off the heat and add the dried lavender buds. Let the mixture steep for 5-8 minutes, then strain the milk Whisk it into the sugar, a tablespoon at a time, until you get a smooth and opaque glaze. Pour or spoon over the cooled loaf.
INGREDIENTS
Lavender Cake:
¾ cup milk
3 tablespoons finely chopped fresh lavender
6 tablespoons butter, softened
1 cup white sugar
2 eggs
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 ½ teaspoons baking powder
¼ teaspoon salt
Lavender Glaze:
½ cup milk
1 tablespoon dried lavender buds
1 cup confectioner’s sugar
PREPARATION
Cake: Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C). Grease and flour a 9×5 inch loaf pan. Combine the milk and lavender in a small saucepan over medium heat. Heat to a simmer, then remove from heat, and allow to cool slightly. In a medium bowl, cream together the butter and sugar until smooth. Beat in the egg until the mixture is light and fluffy. Combine the flour, baking powder, and salt; stir into the creamed mixture alternately with the milk and lavender until just blended. Pour into the prepared pan. Bake for 50 minutes in the preheated oven, or until a wooden pick inserted into the crown of the loaf comes out clean. Cool in the pan on a wire rack.
Lavender Glaze: Place the milk in a saucepan over medium heat. When it starts to boil, take the pan off the heat and add the dried lavender buds. Let the mixture steep for 5-8 minutes, then strain the milk Whisk it into the sugar, a tablespoon at a time, until you get a smooth and opaque glaze. Pour or spoon over the cooled loaf.
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