Me: [gently, very gently trying to pry the Harry Potter franchise out of JKR’s white-knuckle grip] That’s it… You’ve had enough now…
JKR: [hugging it tighter] I thought this was what you wanted! More diversity! More representation! More magic! Magic in the US for all the American fans!
Me: You can’t just retroactively make all the characters fill a checklist, babe, and I don’t know a single American who thinks Ilvermorney makes a lick of sense. Just give it [pulling] here… We don’t need any more content. You’ve done enough. We can extrapolate on our own, now.
JKR: No!
Me: [desperately] You broke your Brits Only rule to support the casting of an abuser as one of your only gay characters. You retroactively made Nagini an Asian Animagus in like, the most fetishistic way you possibly could, and I’m pretty sure it breaks the lore anyway. You’ve got another series going. You can write other stuff! Just…just give it. George, please, tell her!
[George Lucas materializes and puts a sad, defeated hand on her shoulder] Just let it go. It’s not worth it. Now let us go be billionaires in peace.
Etiqueta: harry potter
A list of reasons I’m divorcing J.K. Rowling and no longer acknowledging anything Past Deathly Hallows
- None of it makes sense or really adds anything to the story except ‘ooh! A twist!’
- She took the The Boy Who Lived To Idolize His Parents, and made him into a terrible father, who told his son he wishes he wasn’t born.
- Made lycanthropy an allegory for HIV/AIDS, AFTER Lupin was turned as a child, by an adult. Not only does this tick the box for pedophilia, but painting homosexuals as predatory by nature.
- Delphi. Everything about her. Including that she exists.
- During the actual series, wandless magic was incredibly difficult to do, and only harnessed by very dedicated, powerful witches and wizards. Then, when writing about it in reference to Native American witches and wizards, suddenly, they needed Europeans to come along and teach them how to use wands.
- Dumbledore being gay, whilst having none of his romantic relationships touched on in the series, even when his adolescence is delved into.
- Taking from other cultures (Indian and Native American, for example) to add things to the series, with no credit due to those cultures, and no mention of even a character from those cultures.
- Nagini somehow being a human originally, when it was previously never even alluded to, despite J.K. apparently ‘sitting on this for the last 20 years’.
- Nagini, the literal PET of a white supremacist, was a woman of color.
- Outside of the series, JK Rowling is a known TERF.
None of these things she attempts to shoehorn in feel even remotely natural to the story, and it’s painfully fucking obvious they’re last-minute ‘gotcha!’ twists ripped off ff.net or ao3. She’s destroying the series by trying to keep it relevant, when it could maintain relevancy all on it’s own by being passed down through families and the fandom all on it’s own.
i can’t believe the new official Harry Potter canon is “Voldemort’s pet snake Nagini was secretly an Asian woman all along.“
They’re different conditions. Maledictuses are always women, whereas werewolves can be either sex. The Maledictus carries a blood curse from birth, which is passed down from mother to daughter. https://t.co/wYfvPeQFRW
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) September 25, 2018
https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js
An asian woman with a blood curse that means she involuntarily turns into a snake…. and then is owned by Voldemort… and becomes a Horcrux…. why?
What the diddly-doodily-darn did JK Rowling do this time??
I want to see a fanfic where Harry hatches a basilisk.
I want to see a fanfic where he looks up “magical snakes” as soon as he gets to Hogwarts because that thing at the zoo always bugged him, and so the Trio works out that it’s a basilisk immediately after the first petrification in Second Year. But they don’t know how it’s getting around or where it is or anything, so Harry is just like WELP SET A BASILISK TO FIND A BASILISK while Hermione and Ron are like HARRY NO.
I want to see a fanfic where Harry sticks a chicken egg under a toad and makes all these plans about how he’ll talk to his huge deadly snake and get it eye-blinkers and shit so it doesn’t kill people and make sure it’s not too aggressive, and somehow it never occurs to his twelve-year old brain that the chicken egg has a total volume of about four tablespoons and he is not going to get the giant King of Serpents he is expecting.
I want to see a fanfic where it finally breaks out of the shell and Harry finds himself with a bb!basilisk too smol to even have the murder-eyes yet, who can only petrify someone for about half an hour before the effect wears off. She eats spiders and gets tired very easily and demands that he wear a hood she can curl up in and sleep.
(She is also the same vivid green as his eyes and already hideously venomous, but doesn’t like using her fangs because she says they get cold and give her brain freeze when she unsheathes them.)
I just… I really want Harry with a haughty, demanding, arrogant danger noodle who has an overinflated sense of her own importance, views Hedwig as a TERRIFYING MENACE because she isn’t big enough to eat owls yet and keeps up a steady stream of insults hissed in Harry’s ear whenever she’s near someone who has a Dark Mark (which she can sense at close range). And who is basically useless as a familiar because she refuses to slither across anything other than sun-warmed stones or Harry, hasn’t got a very powerful gaze yet and doesn’t like biting people.
(Except snake-arm-people. She finds snake-arm-people confusing and annoying, and would probably make an exception on the no-biting thing where they’re concerned.)
I mean there are obviously a lot of factors influencing snake growth rate but if we assume basilisks just get stupidhuge because they grow their whole lives and are immortal, this snake is probably going to be at least 8 feet long by Deathly Hallows, which is a significant and intimidating chunk of scaly muscle that is intelligent enough to do what it is told. Like, you know, hey, bite this necklace.
So I mean by like his fourth year it’s going to be pretty hard to hide this snake that is nearly as long as he is tall and it’s not going to do much for his reputation that the Boy Who Lived has a pet fucking basilisk but holy damn does it make book seven a whole hell of a lot shorter.
I feel like I should write this
can you just imagine him ron and hermione coming up with increasingly ridiculous excuses trying to hide their pet baby basilisk in the dorms (hagrid would be so proud). how long do you think it’d take before harry’s pet basilisk is just a really badly hidden secret between all of gryffindor? and the ensuring antics of the entire house as they try to keep mcgonagall from finding out? (she knows something is up, but even just thinking of what could be big enough the entire house is trying to keep it from her makes her want to break out the firewhiskey)
ron gets the idea to try and practices parseltongue with baby basilisk since he hears harry talking in his sleep with it all the time anyway (and ngl, baby basilisk is kind of adorable and eats all the spiders in the dorm so he doesn’t have to deal with them, he’s pretty smitten once she hatches), and as soon as hermione overhears him trying it, she’s dragging him and harry to the library because, well, parseltongue is a language, why can’t they learn it? so it’s the two of them alternating between hissing at harry and hissing at the basilisk and harry is trying so hard not to laugh because 90% of what they’re saying is utter nonsense and the basilisk doesn’t even bother, because she likes these two humans but wow are they dumb, that’s not how words work.
The thing that gets me the most in the whole Snape vs James argument is people acting as though Lily Evans didn’t have the right to choose for herself.
It doesn’t matter (especially not to me) if you think Snape “died a hero” and “deserves the girl.” It really, honestly doesn’t matter either that James was a jerk at fifteen.
The whole issue is bigger than that.
Lily certainly didn’t choose James over Snape.
She chose herself first. Because Snape was a toxic, manipulative person that was hurting her.
And I think that’s what we should get from this whole situation.
Always, always choose yourself first.
Boom
gryffindor’s autumn
harry potter was so messed up guys
not the book series
the character
he was so messed up like he lived in a closet and was hungry and treated like crap and no one helped him escape that life for a decade and then he finally gets to know his heritage and his family and oops kiddo you’re kind of famous?? wizard jesus??? so deal with that without any kind of adult guidance whatsoever you’re eleven and grew up in a house without any kind of emotional support you’re mature enough to handle that and THEN he finds out that he’s actually got people in this world that want him and want to love him and he finds out that… this world… hates them??? like one’s a werewolf and the other is a “criminal” and this world that celebrates his life hates the people that want to genuinely love him and care for him??? and the family that also loves and protects him are treated like crap because they are poor?????? and aren’t racist???
then he grows up a bit more and then suddenly he’s got this fuckin’ genocidal war lord out for his head specifically and he’s killing people and shit and NO ONE BELIEVES HIM they literally look at him like YEAH RIGHT YOU ARE JUST THE LITTLE BABY THAT SURVIVED A BAD NIGHT YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING and Harry’s like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK
YOU KNOW WHAT NO FUCK YOU
and then he starts a club to teach kids… how to protect themselves? Because he’s been let down by adults all his damn life so fuck them fuck them all he doesn’t need them they won’t listen to him so he’ll do what he can to protect these kids because the adults won’t do it it’s all on him he’s gotta do it he’s gotta
and then people that love him and want to protect him just for the sake of protecting a friend start dying one by one
and then he fuckin learns that all his fuckin life he’s been raised to be killed and he just
walks into the forest calmly
and accepts it
WHAT THE FUCK
harry can’t duel
harry can’t duel
harry cannot duel
he only uses expelliarmus and he cannot duel
even if he’s dueling the FUCKING DARK LORD
Imagine the conversation ministry officials must be having when they see his auror application:
“He’s Harry Potter!”
“I know but that doesn’t change the fact-”
“Harry! Freaking! Potter!”
“We still need him to attend extra duelling lessons-”
“We can’t put Harry Potter in extra duelling lessons!”
“He only ever uses one spell-”
“Yeah, but he’s really good at it.”
I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who had practiced one kick 10,000 times. – Bruce Lee
Harry Potter, the boy who dared to ask, “why study all these other spells if I can get really good at yeeting everyone’s wands out of their hands”
backup blog in case tumblr explodes 