Long Night by Ninidu
Etiqueta: dc
DC’s Beach Blanket Bad Guys Summer Special #1 – “Help” (2018)
written by Jeff Loveness
art by David Williams & Steve Buccellato
Clark doesn’t dress as Superman for the Daily Planet’s annual Halloween party just for the sake of irony.
He also does it because he knows that Bruce will find out, because Bruce always finds out, and he thinks it’ll be hilarious.
Well, that plus Bruce is always getting on his case about the fact that he doesn’t even bother to wear a mask as Superman. Clark has tried to explain it, how posture and body language can change people’s perceptions, how he keeps his Midwestern drawl as Clark, but drops it for Superman, how he wears intentionally ill-fitting clothing as Clark to hide his body shape…
Bruce believes him, but only begrudgingly. After watching the fifth talk show where Bruce has to comment about how “Do the butts match?” Clark has to wonder if Bruce isn’t also maybe a little bit jealous. It’s a good thing that Clark isn’t the petty sort, (Except maybe he kind of is, just a little bit.)
He almost buys the “Stripper Superman” Halloween outfit because it makes him crack up; only the fact that it’s a work party dissuades him. Instead he goes for the one that has fake muscles in it. They’re so awful, and so anatomically incorrect that he has to go for it. The fabric is shiny, and the “S” stretches funnily across his chest when he tries it on; the fabric is, after all, also cheap. The cape only goes down to his waist, and he has to buy the tights separately. It doesn’t comes with shoes, only boot covers, and he immediately decides he’s going to wear crocs.
Because he’s Superman.
He can do what he wants.
Bruce finds out about his plans (…because of course he does), and tries to talk him out of it. Clark listens politely, then mentions politely that he’s been watching episodes of drag race to get tips on how to make a fake derriere for his costume. After all, he’s got to make sure that the butts match.
Bruce leaves him alone after that (except to mutter darkly that Clark’s secret identity is going to be blown, and is Clark really-?)
When he gets dressed for the party, Clark makes sure not just to slick back his hair, but to make it obvious it’s slicked back. He parts it to the “wrong” side, like he was looking in the mirror when he did his hair, and forgot everything was backwards. He puts on the ridiculous, ill-fitting costume, the crocs, the boot covers, and adjusts all the foam “muscles” so that he “looks like Superman.”
He wears his glasses, because everyone knows Clark Kent can’t see without his glasses. He makes sure to slouch at the party, to keep to the mannerisms that scream to the world “I Am Clark Kent And Definitely Not Superman Nope.” And if his drawl is a little stronger that night then normal? It’s probably the available drinks.
Funnily enough, he’s not actually the only person to dress up as Superman; Superman is a popular figure at the Daily Planet, and there are enough costumed fans to have a “Superman look-alike” competition.
When Bruce finds out that Clark came in last place… Well, it’s hard not to act smug.
This right here is PEAK Clark
Guys, from now on DC will be changing future prints of Batman: Damned #1 to censor out Batman’s d*ck, but the joke’s on them now because Batman’s d*ck is going to become a collector’s item.
Printed copies of bat-dk are going to be selling for $35,000 a pop on ebay soon, it’s going to be absolute mayhem. Invest in Bat-d*ck if you can and invest in your future. Buy up every issue in your local comic store. Let Batman’s d*ck pay for your children’s college tuition. It’s what Batman would want.
Superman
I just realized that Clark Kent probably works at the Daily Planet because it means he and his super-senses are planted right in the middle of a bunch of investigative journalists all day long. He probably knows more about Metropolis’ corruption and abuses of power than anyone else in the world, just by virtue of existing in the Daily Planet’s vicinity.
I imagine also that he works there for the reverse reason.
Think about all the things he knows about the people in positions of power in the city that Really Should be made known to the public, but he can’t figure out a way to legitimately excuse having that knowledge?
Well, all he has to do is drop a hint of a thread in the lap of someone like Lois Lane and his coworkers and friends will be on it like bloodhounds, with a firm air of legitimacy that he himself would never, ever have. Because honestly? Clark Kent probably knows that “I heard about it with my magic alien hearing” isn’t and SHOULDN’T be admissible in a court of law or public opinion. But aiming some good old fashioned investigative journalists in the most competitive news organisation in the city at it? Perfectly legitimate.Villain: “Hah! What are you going to do, punch me for tax evasion? Lock me up for conspiracy? With what court-admissible evidence? Admit it Superman, there’s nothing you can do here.”
Superman: “Guess not.”
Later, Clark Kent at the Daily Planet watching his colleagues work: “My god, they’re like bureaucratic piranhas. They went through his entire IRS filings for the last eight quarters in thirty minutes flat.”
Jake and Mar’i have their sibling arguments every now and then
Ah, the troubles of being half alien!
The Riddler hijacks the local TV airwaves and appears onscreen holding a comically long roll of paper. After dramatically clearing his throat, he proceeds to read from it.
“The following is a list of people who can suck it. Number One: The Joker. I don’t think I need to explain that one. Number Two: Cluemaster. Fuck you, you stole my bit, and I will be like a plague unto your house. Number Three: King Tut. You also stole my bit, but did it while killing people and got me arrested for murder. Also, I’m, like, 93% sure you’re a white guy and your costume is racist.
“Number Four: The Scarecrow. I know you ate my leftover Chinese, Jon, even though I wrote my name on it. I was saving that for lunch. I had to eat a goddamn peanut butter and jelly sandwich like a five-year-old. It was all you had in the hideout. For fuck’s sake, go shopping, not all of us can live like a bridge troll.
“Number Five: The Penguin. You- No, no, wait, wait… That one should be crossed out. He replaced that and apologized. Never mind, Oswald, you’re fine. Drinks at 7:00 tomorrow, right?
“Anyway, where was…? Ah, yes. Number Six: The Mad Hatter. You carded me and left me like that for six hours because I, and I quote, ‘would not stop talking about Mythbusters.’ Well, excuse me for trying to make intellectually stimulating conversation on a level you could understand. I suppose every time you prattle on about mome raths and borogoves it’s goddamn Shakespeare? Well… Well, it’s Carroll, but… Oh, you know what I mean!
“Number Seven: Catwoman. You left me hanging by one hand from a ledge five stories up and holding a twenty-pound bag of jewels and very pointy
objets d’art while you ‘distracted’ the Dark Knight. I know you were making out with him, Selina. You were gone for fifteen minutes. My shoulder almost dislocated. Very unprofessional.
“Number Eight: Kite Man.”
Here the Riddler pauses, lifting his narrowed gaze to glare at the camera, voice dropping to an ominous tone.
“You know what you did…”
His demeanor shifts quickly, and he’s back to reading from his list almost cheerfully.
“Number Nine! Th-”
He’s interrupted by a crashing noise in the background and looks over his shoulder just an instant before a deep voice angrily growls, “Riddler!”
“Oh, for the love of-” He turns to glare at the camera, speaking quickly. “Number Nine: Batman! Interrupting me while I’m on television making very important- Hm-mmph!”
He’s reduced to muffled curses as a black gloved hand covers his mouth and pulls him out of frame. The camera tilts, a cracking noise is heard, and the broadcast turns to static.
KITE MAN’S CRIMES WERE NUMEROUS AND TERRIBLE
If I were batman I’d give him like a five minute warning, because this actually sounds theraputic.
Batman: Riddler, you’ve hijacked the TV airwaves and you know that’s wrong but I think this is actually theraputic. So I’m giving you five minutes, and then I’m taking you to Arkham
Robin: Geez get a facebook account for this crap, hell if you wanna vent to millions of strangers just get youtube.
“RIDDLER YOU CAN’T JUST GO ON TV AND SCREAM AT PEOPLE
THAT’S WHAT YOUTUBE IS FOR”
Riddler takes this advice. He gets his own youtube channel called RiddleMe_Th15. It starts out as being purely therapeutic, a platform for publically calling out those who have annoyed him. Then someone leaves him a pathetically easy riddle to solve in the comments, and he spends his next segment ranting about it, and then posing a better one.
This starts a dialogue with a number of other youtube users who both attempt to answer his riddles and pose their own riddles in return.
Riddler has found his people, and his hit count is climbing.
Seriously, Riddler would KILL IT (metaphorically speaking) on YouTube. He just does those weird animated puzzle videos where he poses lengthy, overly complicated puzzles, game theories, and riddles, then gives away…fuck I don’t know…Amazon or iTunes cards to whoever gets them right.
“Riddle me this: How can I ensure there are more videos like this one? The answer, my little quest solvers, is simple: Like and subscribe, and consider donating to my Patreon! Which isn’t much of a Riddle, but seriously I’m down to eating crackers and ramen right now and YouTube keeps demonetizing my videos because I used to be a supervillain.”
Bringing this back because “YouTube keeps demonetizing my videos because I used to be a supervillain” has to be shared and because I have some followers who have not experienced The Riddler Post.
Seriously, if you ever need a good time, just read all the responses in the notes. This post still ranks as one of the best things I’ve ever done.
Clark Kent is not a coward, he just hates Superman. The reason he runs off every time disaster occurs is cause he knows Superman will be there soon and he can’t stand the guy.
Oh lord, the idea of a running gag of Clark having to come up with more and more elaborate reasons to hate the most beloved guy on Earth would be comedy gold.
“I loaned him thirty four bucks three weeks ago and he STILL hasn’t paid me back”
“I saw him littering once”
“He’s friends with an asshole like Batman!”
“We’re not friends anymore AND HE KNOWS WHY!”
“HE KEEPS HITTING ON MY WIFE”
backup blog in case tumblr explodes 