good morning I just woke up obsessed with the idea of a movie filmed in the style of a true crime documentary except it’s in the Twilight universe and a bunch of completely ordinary humans are trying to figure out why Bella effectively disappeared after high school without knowing anything about vampires
let’s review the Facts of the Case as far as anyone who’s not in on the secret knows them
super normal teenage girl moves to small town
becomes obsessed with a guy who by all appearances is in a cult
the incident where they dramatically broke up and Bella tried to go back to Phoenix but Edward followed her and they got back together but also Bella’s leg got mysteriously broken
another dramatic breakup and this time the entire family skips town leaving Bella catatonically depressed
sudden trip to Italy??? and then the entire family comes back???
Whatever Happened In Eclipse I Don’t Remember
Bella marries boyfriend of approx. a year and a half, goes away on an exotic vacation and immediately contracts a life threatening disease
is rarely seen in public again until her mysterious death, which if I’m remembering correctly is a thing?? because Bella was pretty sure her mom wouldn’t be able to handle the vampire thing and that they were going to have to fake a death which is!! fucked UP
also apparently the Cullens haven’t ever bothered with, like, changing their names, so if anyone goes poking around they’re easily going to discover a family of seven rich weirdos moving around various overcast cities together for at least a century
tell me you wouldn’t watch this shit
highlights:
generic Missing White Woman opening that rapidly spirals into interviews Bella’s hilarious tacky high school classmates talking shit about the Cullens (Mike Newton’s Time To Shine)
Charlie (who Knows) uncomfortably lying to the camera about how of course he’s Very Sad about all of this and misses his daughter a whole lot. the crew immediately begins speculating about Charlie’s involvement.
a few scenes shot in Italy. the voice over concludes that there are no clues to be found there while a Volturi member hovers very obviously in the background for the audience’s enjoyment
testimonies about Carlisle’s character that end with the interviewee getting distracted thinking how hot he was, including Charlie
a segment trying to figure out what the Fuck Jacob’s involvement is followed by a montage of werewolves slamming their front doors in the crew’s faces
a brief mention of the murder spree that happened in Seattle during Bella’s senior year but quickly shrugging it off as DEFINITELY unrelated to any of this
trying to dig into where the Cullens lived before Forks and quickly realizing that None Of These Children Existed Before the Age of Seventeen
briefly toying with a kidnapping scenario before stumbling onto a record of the Cullens in some other town that’s JUST old enough to be inconsistent with the ages they were supposed to be in Forks
“wait I think all the kids were actually in their twenties, maybe?”
Can I just say, from the bottom of my heart, in regards to Dewayne Johnson winning his lawsuit against Monsanto and being awarded $289 million in damages and also lost 11 BILLION in stock value following the jury’s decision and also opened up legal precedent against Monsanto for other people to go after them for damages thanks to exposure to their shit;
FUCKING GOOD, and also my deepest sympathy to Mr. Johnson, who has terminal cancer thanks to their products, but FUCKING GOOD, FUCK YOU MONSANTO, SUCK A THOUSAND HORSE DICKS IN HELL
Consider this my open request to society: destroy them. If you have the money and the misfortune of being able to take these fuckers to court, then destroy them.
They’ve got other similar lawsuits still ongoing against them right now that total $5.5 BILLION in damages sought.
This lawsuit can now be cited by all the others, and I promise it will be.
And gods, but I hope that it ruins them.
For those of you who don’t recognize the name “Monsanto” they produce Roundup, which is a herbicide (weed killer) known for killing weeds but not crops.
Roundup, incidentally, is specifically the chemical that Mr. Johnson was exposed to that contributed to his terminal cancer.
There are about 5,000 more current lawsuits being filed against Monsanto for the same thing. Monsanto claims Roundup is safe, and points to lots of studies done on it…the majority of which, coincidentally, have been conducted by/funded by Monsanto.
One of the main points in the trial was recently unearthed evidence that shows that Monsanto has been actively suppressing studies that show that Roundup is dangerous for decades now.
The men who hid this evidence are, in no small way, complicit in the deaths of these innocent people and should be removed root and branch.
There’s an irony to that. And one we should pursue until they feel the burden of these deaths on their souls and on their daily lives.
Some more info; there’s also evidence that points to Monsanto paying off EPA agents to suppress studies and evidence that show that Roundup is a potent health risk.
Monsanto is, as it has for decades, claiming that glysophate…the active ingredient in Roundup…is safe. Which, as disclosed at this trial, is a lie, and they’ve been suppressing the evidence for years.
BUT, in addition, testing has shown that Roundup contains VERY DANGEROUS levels of heavy metals such as arsenic, chromium, cobalt, and lead, in addition to highly toxic petroleum residues, which Monsanto does not disclose on the labels. They were hidden under ‘other additives’ on the label.
Some of the things arsenic, other heavy metals, and petroleum distillate exposure can cause?
Cancer. Such as that which is killing Mr. Johnson and others.
The studies conducted by Monsanto to claim Roundup was safe were only conducted on glysophate. They actively suppressed studies that found that glysophate could be a health risk, and did not disclose any information about the other dangerous additives…which have been known to be dangerous for decades.
You can hear parts of the autoimmune disease community shrieking in rageful vindication.
Between this and the study coming out of Finland linking exposure to certain pesticides and herbicides as being linked to early onset MS (among other things) I’m about to flip the God damn table.
I think I need to call my dad (a farmer) and my mum ( plagued with endocrine and autoimmune issues)…
ive eaten shrimp exactly 5 times in my life, always with gusto and an utter lack of self-restaint, and each time has ingrained itself in my memory as distinctly nightmarish when they ended with me ralphing it all back up within the hour. i thought this was reflective of my hubris and insufficient fear of god, but it is only as i write this post now, crumpled to my knees on the floor of this eresto’s bathroom after eating half a baja taco and recalling that my dad is allergic to shellfish, i realize perhaps the issue is not with a higher power, but with a deeper one. biology.
backup blog in case tumblr explodes 